Trapped in your own life...

It´s the moment you realize that you are trapped inside your life that it all falls to pieces. There are no shortcuts to the end of a situation. You must walk through all the places you want to avoid. You must shit in a hole in the ground. You must wipe your ass with your left hand. You must shower with cold salt water. You must sleep on a freezing concrete floor. You must eat dirty rice and chili broth, everysinglefuckingday. You must be kicked in the feet to wake up. You must breathe. You must feel all the feelings you wish you could simply skip. Pain, desperation and fear become your posse. And all you can hear is their bad advice. The irony is you think they are there to protect you. You feel that at least they have not abandoned you in this shitty mess that is your life. You indulge in their arms and hold them tight to your chest even though they are burning holes through it.
I went back to my room and curled up on the floor like a kitten. I held on tight to Pain, Desperation and Fear. They held me tight. I covered my face with my hands and started breathing deeply. I needed to calm my ass down or I was going have a heart attack. Then suddenly, in the midst of all this angst and desperation, a voice called from outside my cell, I felt someone looking at me. Her sweet voice made me poke my head out from my suffocating self-pity, I looked up. It was a young girl. Probably 18. Her smile made me forget why I was crying. My posse disappeared as if they had seen a ghost. Cowards.
She was holding half a loaf of bread. She extended her half a loaf out to me and smiled. “For you” she said in broken English. “Eat - You ok.” – I got up and took the bread. I was taken a back by her kind gesture. She had nothing and offered half of her nothing to me. I politely accepted her loving gift and hugged her. As soon as she left tears flooded my eyes, a strange joy overcame my being. Something was speaking to me through life. I had to start listening. "You OK¨ - Had she meant that as a question or was it an affirmation? It was always confusing in Hindi because they move their heads in a circular-back and forth way as they speak that doesn’t really tell you what they mean.
But just as I believed a sweaty apple that came from a woman’s breast was an omen, I had to believe this was an omen too. I felt an indescribable feeling of quietness and stability looking at her, she accepted her life as it was. She enjoyed her bread and her tea. And she enjoyed sharing. She wasn’t worried about coupons, savings, sales, hairstylists, gas prices, bills, and auditions – stupidity. She never questioned what she didn’t have in order to share what she did have. She just felt like sharing something nice with someone that needed some love and certainty.
She walked away smiling. I stood there in peace. I ate a piece of her holy bread. I headed down to Jailbucks for some chai to down my holy bread with. I sat in the courtyard and finally started to breathe. I couldn’t believe how many carbs I was about to ingest. And for the first time in years, I didn’t really care.